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Home » Personal » What Is Harder To Face: Fear or Regret?

What Is Harder To Face: Fear or Regret?

February 18, 2014 Personal

I begin each morning by identifying three things I want to accomplish that day.
I also leave a bit of room for things to pop up throughout the day, because I like never really knowing where the day will take me.

Today it took me to a couple of phone calls with close friends that ended up forming a theme.
One friend was considering a lucrative offer to live and teach abroad in South America.  Sounds good, right?  The friend she was planning to go with backed out and she wasn’t sure she wanted to go alone. The other friend was considering moving —  from the place she has called home for the last thirty years to the city she’s always wanted to live in. Both were unsure of how to proceed.  They knew what they wanted — but when the time came to make the decision they were feeling the same limitation: fear.

fear or regret, which is harder to face?I’ve heard it said that every action has one of two feelings driving it: love or fear. If fear is really that dominant in our lives, there must be a reason.
Fear serves us well. It keeps us from being emotionally or physically reckless with our lives. It often stops us from inflicting damage on ourselves or others. It might also, however, unnecessarily stop us from embracing a change that is good for us.  It may keep us from visiting a place or meeting a person that enriches our lives. When fear is not serving us, how can we overcome it? And how do we know the difference?

Ask yourself:
What is holding you back besides fear?
If you can’t answer this question, proceed to the next….
What is it exactly that you are you afraid of? Is it being alone, not being safe and secure? Or is it the judgment of others?
What is waiting for you on the other side of fear?

I asked my friend today what exactly it was she was afraid of, moving abroad to teach. Her reply: “it’s a fear of the unknown.”
In embracing the “unknown,” we accept that we don’t have much if any control over the future. Your level of comfort with fear and the unknown is ultimately a reflection of your level of optimism. The unknown could be bad or worse — but it could also be great or better.

So what next? The most important question you can ask yourself also happens to be the antidote for fear: what are you going to regret more?
When we really want something, we don’t let fear hold us back. Choosing to side with your fear means you didn’t really want it that much in the first place.

everything you want is on the other side of fearFor so many of us, this is what travel gives us. With each trip, with each new country, we gain incremental perspective and experience that adds up to confidence. The sixteen-year-old me that went to Germany is not the same as the twenty-year-old me that moved in with a family in Barcelona — nor the twenty-five-year old me that went to India to teach. Travel isn’t the only reason for this — but it’s a large part of it.
I felt so much fear when I left my job to travel. I felt fear when I wasn’t sure what country I’d be visiting next or where I’d be sleeping that night. I felt fear as I learned to scuba dive, bungy jump off a bridge, or attempted to speak French to a waiter in Paris (What! They’re really intimidating!)

The irony is that I feel more fear now that I’m not traveling. I am scared of the uncertainty I have to cozy up to in order to start my life over from scratch.
When I explain this to friends, they universally acknowledge that the fear is valid. They then resolve, “it is much more exciting than it is scary.” And that’s true.

“Making a big life change is scary.  You know what’s scarier?  Regret.”

Comfort zones are fun places to be. I crave comfort and familiarity as much as the next person. Yet by now we know that life is change. If you’re standing at the edge of a ledge, and you know that you’ll have to eventually jump off…would you rather you worked up the courage and decided to leap, or would you rather someone pushed you off? (Because life will push you.  That’s how it works.)

The beautiful paradox is the more we leap, the more confident we become in the act of leaping. The more we choose to jump, the more side effects of change — such as growth and perspective — we gain.
I’m beginning to see that the more fear, the more unknown, that I am comfortable living with…the more possibility and potential I am open to. It’s what’s on the other side of fear that excites me. It has certainly proven true for me in my travels.

We can’t abandon fear altogether, but we can work to get over there — wherever there may be — faster.

What places have you traveled that were scary at the time (but might not be now?)
What are you on the cusp of? Where in your life is fear or regret the only thing holding you back?
Could travel be something that helps you become more comfortable with leaping?

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Image via Pinterest

“I regret that time I spent traveling.” – Said no one, ever.

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Winner of Gold and Silver 2019 Solas Awards for Best Travel Writing.

About Anne

Anne Lowrey is an award-winning travel writer based in San Francisco.

After spending a year in the world, she insisted on building a life at home she loved as much as she loves travel. The result was a move to SF, which she affectionately calls her “soul city.” She believes in the balance of and connection between time spent at home and abroad.

Comments

  1. Ashley Kosher says

    February 18, 2014 at 9:06 am

    You hit the nail on the head with this one! I’m stuck in limbo land right now…. comfy happy life vs. the fear of quitting it all to try something new.
    I wish the unknown wasn’t so damn scary! haha!

    Reply
    • Anne says

      February 18, 2014 at 9:47 am

      Hi Ashley, I’m glad the post resonated with you!
      It comes down to this…which do you want more? And remember, it is scary but it can also be exciting.
      Best of luck and thanks for reading!

      Reply
  2. Naomi says

    February 18, 2014 at 9:18 am

    At the time, moving to Delhi was SUPER scary! Now, not so much at ALL!
    Love this quote : The beautiful paradox is the more we leap, the more confident we become in the act of leaping.

    Reply
    • Anne says

      February 18, 2014 at 9:49 am

      The thought of going to Delhi scared the crap out of me and I was only there for one month!
      I know that experience must have helped shape who you are today. I’m glad for that!
      And thanks for sharing your favorite quote…you know how I LOVE quotes 🙂

      Reply
  3. Desiree' Choy says

    February 18, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    Friend is not nearly enough to describe the beauty that is YOU. You are truly an inspiration carrying a guiding light for those lucky enough to surround you. I can’t wait to see what life holds around the next corner for you. Thank you for being my supportive guiding light!

    Reply
    • Anne says

      February 19, 2014 at 10:32 am

      🙂 Thank you for these beautiful words! You are equally inspiring and supportive to me — which is how friendship should always look, if you ask me. Thank you for reading and for being in my life!

      Reply
  4. Nita says

    March 12, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    Love this post, Anne! Very well written 🙂 Fear is tough, but the feeling of regret could haunt you forever. And I agree with you, travel somehow provides you with more courage to go after what you love!

    Reply
    • Anne says

      March 14, 2014 at 9:48 am

      I love that. “Travel provides you with more courage to go after what you love.” That is so true, and SO beautifully said!

      Reply
  5. Kat @ BitchesWork.com says

    March 17, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    I feel you on this ironic fear after getting back from traveling. I love your line, “The beautiful paradox is the more we leap, the more confident we become in the act of leaping.” Even though it rings so true, its crazy how uncomfortable and scary it feels Can’t wait to catch up once I’m back in SF 😀

    Reply
  6. Lily Lau says

    January 7, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    You made me reflect with this post! It depends, I’d say regret unless we’re talking about night fears!

    Reply
    • Anne says

      January 10, 2015 at 3:39 pm

      I’m glad the post helped you reflect. I agree that fear is much easier to cope with than regret, and it’s what I try to remember whenever I’m facing fears.

      Reply

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I’m Anne! I spend part of my time traveling the world and the other part living in my soul city, San Francisco.

I have a love for all things travel. I also have a love for nesting. I do NOT believe the two have to be mutually exclusive. If you seek that balance…you’ve come to the right place.

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Factoring in a little one has both changed and rei Factoring in a little one has both changed and reinforced how I travel. For so long accommodations have been “just a place to sleep” for me, so I could prioritize my time and money elsewhere.

Now, whether it’s nap schedules or simply the ability for my husband and I to relax longer on a given afternoon, it’s great to be able to experience a destination right from the front step (or even better, from bed.) 🌄

What’s stayed the same, of course, is that a change of place and pace is incredibly restorative and energizing — and you don’t have to go far to get that.

Thank you to @innabovetide for the perfect weekend stay right on the bay. It was just what our family needed 🤍 #parttimetraveler #sausalito #besthotels
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The amount of love I have for my son is immeasurable. But being a new mother is not easy — no matter how well you heal, how much (or really, how little) you sleep, or how much you love your babe. For me it is humbling how challenging it can be and, at the same time, how happy it can make you.

Mamas, I see you. What a profound thing it is to care for a new life.
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Mendocino moments ✨ Just a few hours drive up t Mendocino moments ✨

Just a few hours drive up the coast from SF, being here always feels like a breath of fresh air (maybe because it is?) The redwood-lined drive in alone puts me instantly at ease. (Balm for this tired new mama’s soul.) 

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Don’t miss walking the trail along the headlands, hiking, biking, or canoeing Big River, and the wonderfully fresh seafood and/or produce.

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Introducing my son, Luca. He entered this world a Introducing my son, Luca. He entered this world a mere six weeks ago and he is everything 🤍

His name means “bringer of light” and he is the light of our lives. And while we are currently cocooning in the comfort of our family and our home, I can’t wait to take him on adventures and show him the beauty of this world.
One year as man and wife 🤍 highly recommend bot One year as man and wife 🤍 highly recommend both city hall weddings and marrying your favorite person. 15/10, would marry again (I’d choose you over and over and over.)
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We are beyond excited to meet you, little  one!✨#37weekspregnant #selfportrait #maternityphotos #almostbabytime
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My husband and I merged existing furniture and styles before we were even in this space. And as we prepare to welcome baby, the nesting urge is strong (plus we’ll be spending even more time in our home!) So it feels like a good time to refresh our space to suit both of us cohesively.

Although I already had a plan in mind for the nursery design, when @thehavenly reached out to work together I knew our living room, the heart of our home, could use some fine tuning. I’ve independently used them before to affordably design our home office (soon-to-be nursery or I’d share!) and loved it, so I jumped at the chance to be a #Havenly ambassador. 

I’m working 1:1 with a talented designer now (stay tuned!) and will also share a 25% off discount soon if you’d like to do the same. They also have a fun design quiz (linked in bio) to help you figure out your style. 
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